Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Why Men Shouldn't want Sex EVERY Night

I recently read an article where a woman suggested for women to have sex with their husbands every night.  And while I agree with some of the premise behind what she had to say I disagree with her approach. 
This woman suggests that in we need to be more like our sixteen year old selves, more appreciative for having our sexual partner ready and willing and right next to us.  She suggests that the excuses of being tired, not feeling sexy or feeling a need for a husband to prove their love before you enjoy sex with them to be just that excuses and even the reasons we should be having sex with them every night.  In her article she suggests in order for a woman to feel better about herself the best remedy is sex with her husband.  She then goes one to list 5 reasons why having sex with your husband EVERY night is the best thing for everyone.
 This list includes:
 1. Regaining your femininity by letting your husband remind you that you are a woman. The short version of this is basically after the kids are put away it’s important to remember you’re not just a mom, caregiver, etc., you are a woman.
 2. If you want a man treat him like a mine. She says men have three basic needs to be happy; food, appreciation, and you guessed it sex. Here she suggests that we say thank him when he gets home from work, make him dinner and let him see you naked.  She claims that if you do this you will “be astounded by what a man will do for a woman that has made him feel loved.”
3. She suggests that having sex every night gives you a chance to find that boy you fell in love with.  That it gives you a chance to feel all the excitement you felt when you first met.  She says “He is still there. Under the years and bills and worries, that smiling boy is still in love with and needs his smiling girl.”
4.  Sex relieves stress.  So instead of getting mad and smashing mailboxes have sex it’s a much better option.
5.  It is fun! She suggests we should not be so quick to refuse sex and just enjoy it.  “Tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night? What do I look like? A Nymphomaniacal Super Woman?”

Again while I don’t completely disagree with what she has to say I think her method of developing these relationships should lie somewhere other than just the physical.  I’m a stay at home mother of two and like every other woman have self esteem issues with my new womanly body that is just not the same as my former girlish figure.   And while sex does sometimes make me forget about that for the moment the issue is still there and is something I have deal with and learn how to appreciate for myself. It is not something that sex will magically fix.  I know that my husband finds me desirable and I love that he does.  It makes me feel great, special and loved; but saying that sex EVERY night is going to magically make my marriage better is just plain ridiculous.  And here is why.
     1.Regaining your femininity cannot and should not just happen in the bedroom.  Loving partners don’t just show their love in the bedroom with sex.  I bet you didn't marry your husband because he was great in the sac.  There were other reasons. I bet it was because he could make you laugh, you share common interests and views, you could and can sit and talk to him for hours, and you knew that he loved respected you. Not just your body.  Why does remembering your femininity need to happen every night in the bedroom?  My husband makes me feel feminine with compliments and kisses, and even come hither glances throughout the week among other things.  And that is important to me and my family dynamic.  It’s important to me that my children see that we love each other and enjoy spending time together. It shows them that real love isn't just about the physical, and shows the partnership that a marriage truly is.

    2. Treat your man like a man and part of that is not using sex to your advantage.  To me when she says you will be “astounded by what a man will do for a woman that makes him feel loved,” it sounds like a bargaining tool.  Give him some sex and then he’ll work on something that you've wanted him to do for awhile.  Well just as men want us to want to have sex, I think I can safely say that we want them to want to help with projects and doing things with the kids going on activities as a family.  If they don’t want to do it, it just isn't the same. Just as I’m sure it’s not the same for them when they know we don’t really want to have sex.  
    3. I think it is important to remember what made you fall in love with each other in the first place.  I think it’s great to take some time every day that is just for the two of you, but I don’t think that that equates to sex EVERY night.  Some nights it is not just you who is tired your husband can be too, and sometimes it is nice to connect through your thoughts and feelings, or with massage or by playing a game together.  The important thing is that you’re taking some time for each other and communicating your emotions not just being physical to be physical.  Not to say that that isn’t part of it but it is not the ONLY part.
    4. As for sex relieving stress, well chemically yes it does. But that doesn’t mean that you should be using it as your stress reliever all the time.  Sex can be just like a drug to some and if sex=your stress relief you may have and addiction.  While I don’t think that there is any problem with blowing off some steam with your partner I don’t think it is healthy for anyone to avoid getting to the bottom of any emotion or feeling by using something else as a stimulant. 

    5. And yes sex is and can be fun, but her premise of a woman having an orgasm every night is just unrealistic.  Women are different than men.  A man is pretty much guaranteed an orgasm with every sexual encounter.  Sex feels good and that’s why they don’t understand why women sometimes just don’t want to.  Well here is a little insight from this woman.  While I know none of us are the same I can attest to the fact that a woman’s indoor plumbing is a lot more complex than a man’s outdoor.  A man does two basic things with his; he urinates and he has sex.  A woman urinates, has sex, builds a habitat for life every month (which by the way messes with her emotions and is sometimes accompanied by unimaginable pain with cramps, even if they are on forms of birth control that cause them to not have a period.), we house and grow children, and then deliver those babies from that area.  Not to mention due to the pressures of unrealistic views on women in our society many go to great lengths to make this area look desirable to you with their grooming habits.  And yes I know the point of looking desirable to you makes you equate that to sex, but that still doesn’t mean we want the EVERY night expectation.  Not every movement during sex feels great for us.  And some women can’t orgasm at all just by penetration.  Not to mention needing some cool down time.  Honestly after an entire day where you have had children or anyone for that matter requiring your undivided attention, and after hearing your name a thousand times during the day you need a cool down period.  She says in the article to give him some appreciation and a little cool down period.  Well we as women and mothers need that time too.  Just a little time for ourselves without anyone needing something from us.  Just a few minutes to ourselves without any expectations and without feeling guilty about it. 

All in all Sex is an outward expression of an inward emotion and that is what makes it special.  If you loved steak and I cooked it for you every day you wouldn't like it so much after a while and even grow to resent it.  It’s the same with anything.  Even if you love sex if you had it every night even if/when you didn't want to, it would lose all meaning.  That special and fun time that it can be would become a chore.  As women we don’t mind taking one for the team now and then because we know that you might need it and we want to make you happy but if you expect us to dish it out every night you are dreaming.  We like to keep you guessing to keep you on your toes to surprise you sometimes. If you knew you were going to have sex every night, guaranteed, would you want is as much? Would you enjoy it as much? Would the excitement be there all the time?  Well I would guess no married couple will ever really know the answer to that question, but my guess would be no.  Sex would become routine and unemotional.  It would become just a part of your daily routine.  After a while I would guess that you would eventually stop having sex all together because it would just be something that you got tired of. It would become another thing on the list of daily activities to check off and lose all the emotions behind it that make it special.

So gents, be happy we don’t give it to you every night.  Be happy that we can still surprise you with a sexy negligee every once and a while.  Be happy that we can still have those crazy nights of passion after the kids are in bed, because if you got it every day those excitements would be gone along with all the reasons she suggested in her article for making us want to have sex every day.  It would become monotonous and ordinary and I don’t think either side wants that.  Let your wife remain a mysterious siren when it comes to the bedroom, let her do it because she loves you and wants to not because she feels like she has to.  Remember sometimes quality is better than quantity.