(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)
In the last year, my oldest became a teenager. And let me tell you, I have been wishing there was a manual to guide me through it. Mood swings that come with puberty, the changes in attitude, being interested in relationships, and understanding his body. It has been confusing, frustrating, wonderful, incredible, and incredibly hard at times.
Our most frustrating challenge has been getting him to do his homework. I don't know how many talks we've had about effort. We've tried everything, incentives, taking away electronics, folders.... everything we could think of. He gets good grades and is a good student he just doesn't seem to care about turning in or checking his homework. At the end of each week, we have had many not-so-happy chats about what assignments he's missing and why?
A few months ago we sat down with him and admitted we didn't know what else to do. We asked him what he thought and... nothing. He didn't know either. I think at this point we were all wishing there was a manual that could tell us what to do.
Back to School
So when I saw a class on parenting skills as an option for an elective I decided this was an answer to my prayers. What I didn't realize then was how much I was going to change and how much my son's reactions had to do with both my husband and I. over this and the next 2 blog posts I'm going to share with you some of the lessons that really gave me insight I had been needing starting with the Parenting Pyramid.
The Parenting Pyramid
This is a principle taught by The Arbringer Company. On the first page of the reading, it states, "Parents weren't meant to spend most of their time correcting their children." (Airbringer 1)This sounded like music to my ears. I didn't want to always be correcting my son. That was the whole point. I'm tired, I want him to care about his homework, and I don't want to have to keep going over and over the same thing every week.
(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)
Then, as I read the next part of the quote a light turned on. "How do we help things go right, instead of react when things go wrong?" (Airbringer 1)
This was talking to me. I was reacting to things going wrong. I wasn't helping things go right. I was going about this in the wrong way. Of course, I would keep getting the same result. I wasn't fixing the problem only reacting to the outcome. And the truth is I couldn't fix the problem, that was something only he could do. I had to realize that my job wasn't to make him turn in his homework by sheer force because it was something I wanted him to do. Nope, that was clearly not working. I needed to quit asking what I should do and instead figure out how I can help things go right.
King Triton Syndrom
https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddindy/17047645158
As a parent, we all come to the time when we realize that our kids have to live their own lives. As I type that I can hear Sebastian from the little mermaid saying "It's like I always say, children, gotta be free to lead their own lives."
(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)
That look from King Triton takes on a whole different meaning now. But that story illustrates this principle. Our kid's priorities aren't always our priorities. We have to learn to develop a relationship where we can help them understand why the priorities we see and value are of value to them as well. And if we don't develop a relationship of trust and understanding with them they will find others who sympathize with their feelings. If we blow up and just demand they do what we want, like King Triton when he blows up Ariel's treasure cave then we put both our relationship with them and their well-being at risk.
(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)
So how do we help things go right?
The first step in helping things go right is to change your way of thinking. Instead of asking What do I do when my kids don't..... you have to learn to ask How do I help/teach my kids...
What questions boil down to what do we do when things go wrong. How questions help us find out how to solve them. How puts us in action, where what just focuses us on what we should do because things have already gone wrong. It's like looking at the cup as half empty or half full. To help us understand how to help things go right we need to understand the Parenting Pyramid.
THE PARENTING PYRAMID
The Parenting Pyramid illustrates how each of our relationships build on each other and that only with a solid foundation do we see, understand, and learn how to teach and correct our children. Each level builds on the one before it and the way to solve a question from one is generally answered in the levels below it. So here it is.
5 Basic Principles of the Parenting Pyramid
The 5 basic principles you need to understand are these:
- Although correction is part of parenting, it is the smallest part. Instead of wasting time figuring out what to do to correct an action, figure out how to correct the action.
- Effective correction comes from effective teaching. When we apply effective teaching and help our kids understand the "Why" of what we are teaching them, correction is much easier. Correction is dependent on teaching with love.
- To effectively teach our children we need to develop a good relationship or learning with our children. Built on trust, compassion, and love. Who is willing to listen to a teacher they don't like no matter how good the lesson is? This also affects how we talk to our children. When they can know and feel that we love them as we are correcting and teaching them it makes all the difference.
- To build a good parent-child relationship we need to have a good husband/wife relationship. One where we understand each other and are on the same page. We don't contradict each other but are united.
- The key to building a good husband/wife relationship is to understand our way of being. Who we are, how we think, what we want, or what our motivation is and why. Our way of affecting all other relationships in our lives.
So starting from the base and moving up. If we are ok with who we are and how we feel about it, our relationship with our spouse will suffer. If our relationship with our spouse sufferers our children are going to pick up on that and our parent/child relationship will suffer. If our relationship with our children suffers then it will be harder to teach them. And finally, if we have a hard time teaching them or don't teach them, then correcting those actions will be even harder, if not impossible.
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Back to the little mermaid comparison. At the end of the movie, Triton came to the realization that he needed to figure out how to help his daughter. He said, "What have I done." At the end of the movie instead of trying to figure out what to do about what she had chosen, he supported her, he loved her, he did what he could and he showed her that he cared for her and trusted her. As he did this, she was able to save not only herself but also him. She defeated Ursula, saved Eric, freed the other merpeople, got married, and lived happily ever after. Why, because she loved him, he loved her and they both knew it, she trusted he knew what was best and realized she had made a mistake and took the steps to fix it. The love and lesson gave her the strength and drive to overcome.
(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)
What do we learn?
When we have an issue with the actions of our children we need to stop trying to figure out what we can do and instead figure out how we can help the situation change in the future. It comes down to how we approach it. We have to build our family relationships with love so that we can teach our children and help them realize on their own, why certain decisions they make might need to be reevaluated and/or changed. So they can make the change themselves because we cannot do it for them. By doing this we strengthen our bond with them and build a more positive home environment and gain self-reliant children.
If you'd like to read the whole of The Airbringer Company's The Parent Pyramid you can click the link below:
References:
Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.
The Airbringer Company (1998). THE PARENTING PYRAMID - Brigham Young University–Idaho. Accessed May 26, 2022
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