What is My Cellphone Use Teaching my Kids?

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We all know that kids can be overly attached to their phones.  I've heard many, many, parents with a teenager who has a cellphone complained about how they are always on their phone.  So what can you do about it? 

I want to start this off with one simple question that made me really stop and think...

Am I the master of, not the servant to my phone?

I recently read the article "Do You Need to ‘De-Vice’ Your Parenting? Here Are 5 Ways to Get Started" by Tim Rarick from FamilyToday.com. In it, he stresses the need for parents to "put on the metaphorical oxygen masks first before they put them on their children," in regards to cellphone use.  As I've talked about in my last two posts, kids often learn their behaviors from their parents.  This also applies to their cellphone use.  

So the question to you and to me is: What is my cellphone use teaching my kids?

We've all done things we reprimand our kids for.  Hushed our kids when we are on a call. Used a phone to pacify boredom.  Scrolled through Facebook or youtube mindlessly.  Played a game just to zone out and destress for a little bit.  Are these things innately bad?  Not always, however, we need to be mindful of how our individual cellphone use is affecting our ability to parent.  How it is affecting our well-being and how it affects our other relationships. 

 

In the article Rarick asks each parent to ask themselves 5 questions and to answer them honestly:

    1. How often do you use your phone to deal with feelings of stress, boredom, or inadequacy? In other words, how often do you "phone-medicate"?

    2. Do you know how often you look at your phone and is it intentional? In other words, do you personally screen your screen time?"

    3. Do you find being with your children less interesting and exciting than checking Facebook and seeing that red notification indicator? In other words, are you disconnecting from family for artificial connection?

    4. Are people always put before machines at family dinner? In other words, did you know what your kids really want and need at dinner is your attention?

    5. Have you ever noticed your parenting skills decrease as your phone usage increases? In other words, did you know your parenting will be more inconsistent and slapdash the more you use your phone?

Now the key is to answer these honestly. Are there areas you need to work on?  I know I can answer yes to some of these. I also know I'm good at not doing other things on this list.  The truth is that we all are a work in progress, and this cellphone use is part of our daily lives. 

The key is being the Master of your phone and not letting it rule over you.  You can do this with simple things like choosing to not look at your cell phone immediately when you wake up, instead, go to the bathroom, wash your face, do an exercise, or make your bed. Do something before you pull out your phone. 

Set limits for your cellphone use

Set cell phone-free times. Like at dinner, while watching a movie, 1 hour before bed.  These are rules we often set for our kids because we find value in them.  Why not for ourselves? 

Be Mindful

Learn to recognize when you are using your cellphone as a way to handle another emotion.  Are you bored, maybe instead of playing a game on your phone you can play one as a family or with one of your kids?  Are you stressed? Try going for a walk. The point is to find other more healthy ways to deal with those emotions. 

Be Patient

Understand that it is going to take time. Be patient with yourself, but stay consistent as you work on setting boundaries and using your cellphone mindfully with intent. As you set and display healthy boundaries with your cellphone use, your kids will learn from your example.  Your relationship with them will improve and you will find more ways to interact with them because you will be more actively looking for them.

  

A cellphone is a tool, a very good tool we don't know how we lived without, but one that should not rule or dictate what we do and when we do it.  As we come to understand how we use our phones we will be able to set proper boundaries and become masters of our cellphones and build healthier family habits. 

References:

 Rarick, Tim. (2016) Do you Need to De-vice your Parenting? Here are 5 ways to get started. https://www.familytoday.com/family/do-you-need-to-de-vice-your-parenting-here-are-5-ways-to-get-started/

Are we teaching our kids to be Self Reliant?

I think as parents we want our kids to learn to do things correctly and act a certain way, but we aren't always willing to let them fail in order to do it.  We as parents have to go through that progression (perhaps that's why we don't want them to have to),  why wouldn't we realize our children have to do the same thing.  

As a mom I want my kids to be self-reliant. I want them to be able to do things on their own, be confident and be able to figure things out for themselves. But am I parenting in a way that promotes that?  Am I letting them become who they can be or am I stopping their progression by trying to get them to do it my way?  

Parable of the Mop

Example:

 I wanted my kids to start helping with the household chores so, we started having them help with different tasks like sweeping, mopping, doing the dishes, and vacuuming. In the teaching stage, I showed them how to use the tools for cleaning properly.  Then, told them they were now in charge of their area and that job.  I went about doing other chores and when I came back, well the job wasn't done how I would have liked it.  Instead of being like this father and thanking them for the work they had done and letting them own their job, I proceeded to say, disappointedly I might add, that they weren't done and pointed out all the things they had missed and then cleaned the floor over myself.

My wise husband pulled me aside and helped me realize that that wasn't helping, and if I wanted them to learn how to do the chores they needed to learn for themselves.  After that, I tried to let them do it on their own. When they learned how to clean their bathroom, it was much more like the video of the boy and the lawn. I gave them full ownership. I cleaned it once with them so they understood what needed to be done answered any questions and then handed it over.  (It's easier for me because I don't use that bathroom, so it might be cheating a little, but baby steps right)

The first while it was good. They did a good job when Saturday came around working together to get their bathroom clean. Then after a few months, things started to slip.  I knew things weren't getting done that should have been, but I let it go. I did remind them every Saturday that they needed to clean their bathroom, but I didn't check it, nothing.  Then came the day that Grandma and Grandad were coming.  The kid's bathroom is also the guest bathroom that my parents use when they stay with us.  The kids were so excited to have their grandparents coming to stay. As we were getting ready for them to arrive I reminded the kids that Grandma and Grandpa would be using their bathroom. 

Both got kind of quiet and looked at each other with that "oh crap" face.  I asked them if they needed to go get the bathroom ready and they again looked like deer in headlights.  Then I smiled and asked if they would like my help.  The relief showed on their faces. I knew they understood they hadn't done the job they were charged with, but they also understood that I was still willing to help them.  We quickly got to work, my eyes may have had that deer in headlights look a few times while we cleaned, but the lesson it taught them was well worth it.  I don't worry about their bathroom anymore, that doesn't mean it always stays clean either, however they understand and take ownership of that part of their duty.  They take pride in their work and understand that it's not always going to be easy or fun but that it is their job to make sure it is good.  

Teaching our kids how to correctly deal with failure and to understand that failing is just a step in the progression is a lifelong lesson that helps them have a positive mindset and outlook on life.  Kids who learn to deal with and overcome failure are strong and creative. They know that though they might not do it right today they can figure out how to do it right tomorrow. That is what I want for my kids, the courage to overcome any obstacle they face and to know that I am there to help them if they need it. 

References:

Stephen Covey. (2017) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People GREEN AND CLEAN, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8MylQ_VPUI&t=9s

Overcoming King Triton Syndrome

 

(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)

In the last year, my oldest became a teenager. And let me tell you, I have been wishing there was a manual to guide me through it.  Mood swings that come with puberty, the changes in attitude, being interested in relationships, and understanding his body.   It has been confusing, frustrating, wonderful, incredible, and incredibly hard at times.  

Our most frustrating challenge has been getting him to do his homework.  I don't know how many talks we've had about effort.  We've tried everything, incentives, taking away electronics, folders.... everything we could think of. He gets good grades and is a good student he just doesn't seem to care about turning in or checking his homework.  At the end of each week, we have had many not-so-happy chats about what assignments he's missing and why? 

A few months ago we sat down with him and admitted we didn't know what else to do. We asked him what he thought and... nothing. He didn't know either. I think at this point we were all wishing there was a manual that could tell us what to do.  

Back to School

So when I saw a class on parenting skills as an option for an elective I decided this was an answer to my prayers. What I didn't realize then was how much I was going to change and how much my son's reactions had to do with both my husband and I.  over this and the next 2 blog posts I'm going to share with you some of the lessons that really gave me insight I had been needing starting with the Parenting Pyramid. 

The Parenting Pyramid

This is a principle taught by The Arbringer Company.  On the first page of the reading, it states, "Parents weren't meant to spend most of their time correcting their children." (Airbringer 1)This sounded like music to my ears.  I didn't want to always be correcting my son. That was the whole point. I'm tired, I want him to care about his homework, and I don't want to have to keep going over and over the same thing every week.  

(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)

Then, as I read the next part of the quote a light turned on. "How do we help things go right, instead of react when things go wrong?" (Airbringer 1)

This was talking to me.  I was reacting to things going wrong. I wasn't helping things go right.  I was going about this in the wrong way. Of course, I would keep getting the same result.  I wasn't fixing the problem only reacting to the outcome.  And the truth is I couldn't fix the problem, that was something only he could do. I had to realize that my job wasn't to make him turn in his homework by sheer force because it was something I wanted him to do. Nope, that was clearly not working.  I needed to quit asking what I should do and instead figure out how I can help things go right.  

King Triton Syndrom

https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddindy/17047645158

As a parent, we all come to the time when we realize that our kids have to live their own lives. As I type that I can hear Sebastian from the little mermaid saying "It's like I always say, children, gotta be free to lead their own lives."  

(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)

That look from King Triton takes on a whole different meaning now.  But that story illustrates this principle.  Our kid's priorities aren't always our priorities.  We have to learn to develop a relationship where we can help them understand why the priorities we see and value are of value to them as well. And if we don't develop a relationship of trust and understanding with them they will find others who sympathize with their feelings.  If we blow up and just demand they do what we want, like King Triton when he blows up Ariel's treasure cave then we put both our relationship with them and their well-being at risk.  

(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)

So how do we help things go right?

The first step in helping things go right is to change your way of thinking. Instead of asking What do I do when my kids don't..... you have to learn to ask How do I help/teach my kids...

 What questions boil down to what do we do when things go wrong.  How questions help us find out how to solve them.  How puts us in action, where what just focuses us on what we should do because things have already gone wrong.  It's like looking at the cup as half empty or half full.  To help us understand how to help things go right we need to understand the Parenting Pyramid. 

THE PARENTING PYRAMID

The Parenting Pyramid illustrates how each of our relationships build on each other and that only with a solid foundation do we see, understand, and learn how to teach and correct our children.  Each level builds on the one before it and the way to solve a question from one is generally answered in the levels below it. So here it is.

5 Basic Principles of the Parenting Pyramid

 The 5 basic principles you need to understand are these:

1. Although correction is part of parenting, it is the smallest part.  Instead of wasting time figuring out what to do to correct an action, figure out how to correct the action.
2.  Effective correction comes from effective teaching. When we apply effective teaching and help our kids understand the "Why" of what we are teaching them, correction is much easier. Correction is dependent on teaching with love. 
3. To effectively teach our children we need to develop a good relationship or learning with our children. Built on trust, compassion, and love.  Who is willing to listen to a teacher they don't like no matter how good the lesson is?  This also affects how we talk to our children. When they can know and feel that we love them as we are correcting and teaching them it makes all the difference. 
4. To build a good parent-child relationship we need to have a good husband/wife relationship. One where we understand each other and are on the same page. We don't contradict each other but are united. 
5. The key to building a good husband/wife relationship is to understand our way of being. Who we are, how we think, what we want, or what our motivation is and why.  Our way of affecting all other relationships in our lives.  

So starting from the base and moving up. If we are ok with who we are and how we feel about it, our relationship with our spouse will suffer.  If our relationship with our spouse sufferers our children are going to pick up on that and our parent/child relationship will suffer.  If our relationship with our children suffers then it will be harder to teach them. And finally, if we have a hard time teaching them or don't teach them, then correcting those actions will be even harder, if not impossible.  

https://www.flickr.com/photos/auntie_rain/3311781249

Back to the little mermaid comparison.  At the end of the movie, Triton came to the realization that he needed to figure out how to help his daughter. He said, "What have I done." At the end of the movie instead of trying to figure out what to do about what she had chosen, he supported her, he loved her, he did what he could and he showed her that he cared for her and trusted her.  As he did this,  she was able to save not only herself but also him. She defeated Ursula, saved Eric, freed the other merpeople, got married, and lived happily ever after.  Why,  because she loved him, he loved her and they both knew it, she trusted he knew what was best and realized she had made a mistake and took the steps to fix it.  The love and lesson gave her the strength and drive to overcome.  

(Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.)

What do we learn?

When we have an issue with the actions of our children we need to stop trying to figure out what we can do and instead figure out how we can help the situation change in the future.  It comes down to how we approach it. We have to build our family relationships with love so that we can teach our children and help them realize on their own, why certain decisions they make might need to be reevaluated and/or changed. So they can make the change themselves because we cannot do it for them.  By doing this we strengthen our bond with them and build a more positive home environment and gain self-reliant children. 

If you'd like to read the whole of The Airbringer Company's The Parent Pyramid you can click the link below:

The Parenting Pyramid

References: 

Clements, R., & Musker, J. (1989). The Little Mermaid. Buena Vista Pictures.

The Airbringer Company (1998). THE PARENTING PYRAMID - Brigham Young University–Idaho. Accessed May 26, 2022